I feel like shit today. I don’t feel like writing – forcing my brain to make disorganized thoughts into coherent sentences. I don’t feel like doing anything, really. I had some awful dreams last night, about being trapped. I’m pretty sure it’s a metaphor for how I feel when I am depressed, and possibly how I feel about some of the life choices before me right now. I tried to shake it off as the day begun. I read You Are Here, trying to give myself some perspective. I wrote the dreams down in my journal in detail, trying to exorcise them. I forced myself to do some work, thinking feeling accomplishment might help. I went to yoga, too. I almost cried during savasana. I took a freakin’ nap, even though I went to bed at 9:30 last night, and that seemed to help a little for a couple hours. Now, it is four o’clock, Jack ran off to Brandon’s house to play video games. Gage is outside playing with his friends. I have stuff to do. I could be working on the book I never seem to be able to finish. I could work on the magazine. I could take Zoe for a walk, even though it’s 95 degrees outside in April. It’s not a matter of not having things to do, it’s just that everything sounds like a horrible idea. The best I could do was this: write stream-of-consciousness style.
What is so maddening, is one day I am thrilled about my job, my self, where we live… the next day, everything seems like shit. The only thing that has changed is my mood. And it’s gotten less predictable. I used to be able to prepare for it ten days before my period started. This month I was okay until today – the day I’m starting. I think a lot of the work I’ve done on myself – nutrition, meditation, etc – has helped. But sometimes, I truly feel, no matter how much meditating I do, I am not in control of this. My perspective on life and the world goes to shit in the blink of an eye, with no preamble.
I can hear Jason in the kitchen. He just got off the phone – work call – and came down for a glass of water. He is so understanding with all of my crap, but I still hesitate to dump it on him every time. It’s nothing new. I just feel awful for no reason…again. I’ve been trying to help it all day, but it’s been like spitting in the ocean – not much impact.
Maybe I need to go back on meds. I sometimes feel like it covers things up, but sometimes, like now, I feel I could use some medical relief. The hard part about making decisions is I feel completely differently one day from the next. One day, I feel like I can handle things, like getting together with friends is a great idea, and starting new projects is just what I need. The next day, I’m a quivering pile of tears who can barely get herself dressed. It’s hard to maintain a life, friendships, jobs, relationships, with such rollercoaster emotions.
I hate how unproductive and morosely sad I am right now. It’s a quiet agony – like a gray, rainy day, but not the nice kind, all in my head.
This is my first post for this blog. I started it just now, because I know there are other people out there who can identify with how I feel today – some people who might like to know they’re not alone, and, for selfish interest, I needed to vent. I am not always this much of a downer. Consider this a good example of one of my worse days.